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Welcome to the first part of my concussion series, where I share my experience. In the following post, I’ll provide evidence-based resources and insightful advice.

And lastly, I’ll share a Q & A of  two good friends who reflect upon their concussion stories. It will highlight the struggles faced as a student-athlete forced to leave a sport due to multiple concussions, life after the sport, and much more.

Are there a few injuries you wish you could quickly fix? Well, let me tell you, I have been there! If I could have slapped a bandage on my head to temporarily fix all my challenges, I would have done that. I’m not just talking about correcting physical injuries but repairing mental and emotional blocks too. My concussion was an injury that affected various aspects of my life. As I looked back on my soccer days, I realized that I suffered from an injury that left some deep, residual scars. There were no outward, physical wounds, but serious, internal injuries that filled me with so much pain and frustration that distorted my outlook on life and sports.

Concussion Experience

It was the year 2011. My unforgettable injury occurred in San Diego during the first match of the soccer season. I was midway in the air attempting to head a ball into my opponent’s goal, when my head unexpectedly and violently clashed with another player’s head. BOOM! I suddenly fell to the ground. I was in a state of pure confusion feeling as if everything around me was moving in all directions. My first reaction was to get up and keep going because the ball may have been in play. As I stood up, it was difficult to maintain my balance so I returned to a kneeling position. In a span of seconds, my initial excitement for my first match abruptly ended as my trainer helped me off the field. 

Based on the head impact and brain imaging completed at the hospital, it was evident I sustained a concussion. At the time, I thought the concussion was a minor injury with a simple recovery. But little did I know, it was not an injury that had a specific timetable for recovery. During the first week, I  spent most of my waking hours hiding under my covers in a dark and quiet room. I was so confused and not sure what would ease the pounding sensation and pressure in my head. I endured horrific headaches and sporadic bouts of dizziness. While I felt like my life was on hold, my teammates continued to practice in preparation for the matches ahead.

Post- Injury Struggles 

For a few days, I stayed at home resting as my physician advised me. I tried to sleep away my misery so that I could return to the field. Because as a student-athlete, you’re supposed to have grit, right?  With that mentality, I was used to the grind and pushing through injuries so that’s just what I did. Now, how could I show weakness? What kind of athlete would I be if I started to show weakness in the face of pain…in the face of adversity? Withe there aftermath of my concussion, I didn’t want anyone to know my struggle. My only wish was to be the student-athlete I was before my concussion. In the meantime, I tried to put on a brave face  and support my time from the sideline.

Two weeks post injury, I thought I had a good understanding of my concussion but that was not the case. One minute I felt like my symptoms were gradually going away and my overall health was improving. Then the next minute, I felt as if someone had thrown a brick at my head, leaving me with agonizing headaches that made me quite nauseous. I had all of these warning signals that my body was sending, but I had no way to really explain to anyone what I was experiencing. As an athlete, I dealt with stressful situations; but for me this was a situation I felt so powerless, as I grappled to understand why my symptoms were so unpredictable.

Even though I was ‘around’ the team, so to speak, during the week, I found it difficult to connect with my teammates.  It’s not that I didn’t want to talk and bond with them; it was just tough to associate as an injured athlete. I started to feel more distant, especially when they were gone for four days for away matches. Although I had an itch to return back to playing, I was somewhat happy to have a few days to avoid talking to anyone. My time away from the team’s traveling schedule gave me a huge emotional break. For those few days, I could stop the charade. I could stop pretending that I was ok because I was just miserable.

Despite my despair, I was determined to return back to class. At this point, I figured going to class would be easier for me to deal with than practice. I wouldn’t have to put in an effort to actually interact with people. During my lecture classes, which included hundreds of students, I made no effort to engage in small talk with people. I went to class and then went home. I also knew I could sit in a classroom, and not be concerned about others around me feeling pity for me or asking questions, such as “Are you feeling better today?”. Attending class was somewhat refreshing, despite the lights, crowds, and noise causing my symptoms to increase. Eventually, my school work started to make sense again, so I was hopeful I’d soon return to the soccer field.

Returning back to the soccer field

I understood that the concussion recovery time frame varied from weeks to months. I was hoping mine would be on the shorter end of that time frame. Every day was a waiting game. With the help of a supportive team and medical staff, some of my anxiety was relieved. I feared the unknown and didn’t want anyone to know I was experiencing this emotional distress from my concussion. For me, it was no longer the injury that scared me. I was more concerned about my ability to return back to my normal life — the life I had before the concussion. 

The weeks I anxiously waited for my symptoms to resolve continued.  At this point, I became really detached from the game of soccer and my academics. My two major duties as a student-athlete were no longer relevant to me anymore. While I came to the acceptance of the possibility of not returning to the soccer pitch soon, I did not want to sit out an entire season. I had trained for many months for this moment, so there was no way I wanted this season to pass me by (playing just a couple minutes of one match).

Finally, I was able to get through a full day without an increase in  my symptoms. Soon, I began to participate in non-contact, light aerobic exercises. I was excited to tell people that I was “actually” feeling good! With my steady improvements, I was cleared to return to team practice. My first return to practice was scheduled for 6 a.m. It was a cold morning, but I was excited to be standing on the field. Warm-up went well. However, as my teammates and I transitioned to higher speed drills, I knew immediately that something wasn’t right with my body. As I tried to sprint after the ball, I struggled to stay upright. Everything in my path was moving in slow motion. At that moment, I was so afraid because I didn’t want to be that person that would be forced to leave the field.  As we continued the drills, my coach asked me if I was ok. I wanted to say yes, but it was obvious that something was going on with me. Without saying much, my trainer was there to assist me off the field. Overwhelmed with feelings of major disappointment, I was just sick of it all. 

Experiences returning to the field for a second time 

After another few days of rest, I had returned to train with the team. I got through most activities without developing any symptoms, with the exception of heading balls. Each time I attempted to head the ball, I felt as if my brain was being aggressively tossed in all directions. I was unprepared to deal with the embarrassment that followed my previous poor attempt to return. I said nothing, and I refused to offer any more excuses. What did I do to stay on the soccer field? I shied away from heading balls in the air during practices and matches. Sometimes, I found myself in unavoidable positions that required me to head the ball, and what I got in return was an empty dazed feeling.

While I managed to endure a very disappointing season, I knew I had a bigger challenge ahead of me. Now that the season was over, I was convinced that my upcoming winter break would give me more time to recover. By the end of my junior season, I had one looming thought. Exactly how would I mend a concussion in my brain that had managed to shatter my life into so many unrecognizable pieces…